SCOTT DEPOT, WV (ANS) -- The New England Patriots and New York Giants will play the Super Bowl in warmer weather than the games they won on Sunday, January 20, 2008. There were certainly no signs of global warming in either game.

It was so cold I was sure nobody would be wearing shorts or taking their shirts off. I had just mentioned that to Kitty and within the next few seconds there they were. One sports writer suggested that in Green Bay it was cold enough to cause a Siberian Husky to shiver.
Let’s a look at more “football theology” which I admit is “bad football and worse theology”, but if it produces a smile it’s worth reading. With thanks to Earl J. Banning and James D. Berkley for their assistance.

1. THREE POINT STANCE - being present, on time, with your Bible in hand.

2. QUARTERBACK SNEAK - Sunday School officers and teachers entering the building five minutes after Sunday School begins.

3. TWO MINUTE WARNING - the Chairman of the Board sitting on a front row pew, taking a look at his watch in full view of the preacher.

4. REFEREE - a nursery worker presiding over differences as to who was playing with the doll first.

5. DEAD HEAT - a lukewarm church member waking up in the middle of a colorful sermon on hell.

6. EXTRA POINT - what you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

7. END AROUND - diaper changing time in the nursery.

8. HALFTIME ENTERTAINMENT - beautiful music presented during the offering.

9. SCALPING TICKETS - people trying to buy their way into the kingdom of God.

10. TACKLE - what an alert usher does when a child is sneaking out of the church.

11. END RUN - a child who successfully escapes both parents and ushers on his way out of church.

12. FAIR CATCH - holding the offering plate before each member until money is placed in it.

13. SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE - the choir at its best on Easter Sunday morning.

14. QUARTERBACK SACK - the bag in which the ushers place the offering.

15. CLIPPING - what the church historian is always doing.

16. BLOCKING - standing in the church door complaining to the pastor about his morning sermon.

17. PLACE KICKER - kicking in the right place.

18. GUARDS - those who guard and defend the standards of the church because they cannot live up to them.

19. FULLBACK - what the choir, seated behind the preacher, sees while the sermon is delivered.

20. HALF BACK - what the choir and organist see if seated beside the preacher.

21. REFRIGERATORS - church members who make their presence known by the weight they carry and over stuffed deacons who like to throw their weight around.

22. FRIGETTES - the wives of deacons who also like to throw their weight around.

23. NOSE GUARD - a nursery worker during the flu season.

24. PEP TALK - a poor excuse for a good sermon.

25. UMPIRE - an elder who presides over church squabbles.

26. COMMISSIONER - the person in charge or the presiding bishop who may know more about football then he does “bishing.”

27. DRAW PLAY - what restless children do during a long sermon.

28. FACEMASK - smiling and saying everything is fine when it isn’t.

29. FORWARD MOTION - the invitation at an evangelistic service.

30. HASH MARKS - stains left on the tablecloth after a potluck.

31. HEAD LINESMAN - the one who changes the overhead projector transparencies.

32. ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS - clapping at an inappropriate point in the service.

33. INCOMPLETE PASS - a dropped offering plate.

34. INTERFERENCE -- talking during the prelude.

35. LINEBACKER #2 - a statistic used by a preacher to support a point just made.

36. PASSING GAME #2 - the maneuver required of latecomers when the person at the end of the pew won’t slide to the middle.

37. THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS - getting things done through the elders or church board.

38. TOUCHBACK - the laying on of hands.

39. SUPER BOWL CHAMPION - a church doing the will of God.

Enjoy the game. Enjoy your worship service more than ever.

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Bill Ellis is a syndicated columnist, and convention and conference speaker on every continent. He is the writer of more than 1600 columns and widely known as a motivator utilizing enjoyment of life and just plain fun and laughter while speaking to high school, university and professional sports teams as well as to business and professional groups of all kinds. His keen understanding of human problems make him a favorite speaker for youth, parent, and senior adult meetings. He is accompanied by Kitty, his wife, favorite singer, editor and publisher. For information on becoming a subscriber to the Ellis Column for your newspaper or magazine, you may contact him at: BILL ELLIS, P.O.Box 345, Scott Depot, WV 25560 or by calling: 304-757-6089.