SAN DIEGO, CALIFORNIA (ANS) -- He always felt “different” growing up, but as a Christian he fought his attraction to other men until his passions consumed him. He left his wife and fell headlong into the gay lifestyle, until God’s love led him home.

“When I was in the sixth grade, in a Christian school, one of the boys called me a fag,” says Mike Goeke, now a counseling pastor at Stonegate Fellowship Church in Midland, Texas. At the time, Goeke didn’t know what a “fag” was, but he thought it wasn’t good. Later, he began to wonder, “Am I a fag?”

Raised in a Christian family, he didn’t want to be gay, but he also felt he didn’t fit into the world of boys. “My friends were girls,” he says, “and my interests were more like their interests.” He had a good relationship with his parents, but envied his brother’s relationship with his dad. “I always felt my brother was the boy my dad always wanted,” he says.

Raised in the church, Goeke knew homosexuality was wrong. “I fought the feelings with all my might,” he says. “When pastors spoke of homosexuality being an abomination, I felt like they were saying that I was an abomination.” He dated girls and never acted on his feelings toward young men.

After high school, he attended Baylor University, followed by Baylor Law School. “My Christian activity increased in direct proportion to the intensity of my homosexual desires,” Goeke says. He kept from acting on his attractions, but inside he grew more and more disgusted by his fantasy life, fearful that he revolted God.

In law school, he began to wonder, “What if I am gay?”

Thinking marriage would provide the answer to his problem, he married a young Christian woman named Stephanie. “At 28, I decided I better get married or people would continue to speculate about my sexuality.” He married to protect his image, hoping marriage would alter his feelings.

“Marriage did not change me,” he admits. In fact, his feelings only intensified. Not long into the marriage, Goeke discovered homosexual chat rooms on the internet. He was surprised to find professionals, married men -- even Christians, who were homosexual and seemed to accept the fact. Drawn deeper into his secret world of fantasy, he began to entertain thoughts of pursuing a gay lifestyle.

To justify this, Goeke began to research gay-affirming theology. He thought if he could convince himself that homosexuality was acceptable to God, he could validate what he wanted to do. “I was no longer willing to endure sound doctrine,” he notes, echoing words of Paul the Apostle. “I wanted my ears tickled, and I found teachers who taught in accordance with my feelings.”

In 1996, he left Stephanie a note on the door telling her he was gay, would always be gay, and he wanted a divorce. Then Goeke jumped headlong into the life he avoided for so long.

Goeke was surprised by the warm reception he received in the gay community, and believes Christians can learn from their sense of community. “Most went to church and had grown up in homes not unlike my own,” he notes.

For the first time in his life, he felt normal, accepted. He began attending a gay church and decided to fully accept an identity built around homosexuality.

His wife Stephanie, however, refused to pursue divorce. Her world was rocked by his revelation, but she truly believed that God had joined them together and that God could work in this situation. “She was no doormat,” Goeke says. “We communicated very little during that time, and most of our communication was not pleasant! I wanted her to reject me, but she never backed away from her belief that divorce was not the answer and that God had something more for us.”

After a period of time, his initial euphoria began to wane. “I left the gay church I was attending, and began to feel a distance from God,” he says. Everything Goeke read blamed these thoughts on his fundamentalist upbringing. He resolved once again to make his new life work. “I truly felt I had no other option,” he says. “In my deceived mind, I believed I was doing what God wanted me to do.”

Sometime later, Goeke’s parents invited him home for Easter. He reluctantly agreed to go. After a tense weekend, his father tried to give him the book, “You Don’t Have to Be Gay,” by Jeff Konrad. “I had no interest in his ‘right-wing-Christian-propaganda,’” Goeke says, “but I finally took the book just to get him off my back.”

As Goeke flew home from his visit, he couldn’t resist picking up the book. It was the story of a man who left homosexuality. “It was the first time in my life I had read a story like that, and I could not argue with this man,” he admits. The book spoke to everything Goeke felt and every struggle he experienced.

In Konrad’s book, he saw a picture of Jesus he never saw before. “He wasn’t some soft-spoken, benign, shiny white guy with his arms in the air; he was a powerful man, willing to die for me so that I would have the hope and power to overcome the feelings that dominated my life.”

Goeke discovered Jesus loved him where he was – but the strong love of Jesus would not leave him mired in sin. He sensed God calling him back to Stephanie, but he couldn’t see how it could ever work. He continued to argue with God. He felt God respond to every argument with three simple words: “I Love You.”

“I knew somehow I could trust God, and I knew He would walk with me wherever He was calling me to go,” Goeke says. “He didn’t condemn me home; He loved me home.”

Goeke moved home, and he and Stephanie began the arduous process of rebuilding their marriage. “It was a struggle,” he says. “I was a mess and I missed my gay friends.”

“Stephanie was so gracious to me when I had been so ugly to her. We

Mike Goeke

both had personal issues to work through, and our marriage had to be reconstructed from scratch.”

Goeke carried some bitterness toward the church, because it took him so long to discover there was hope for someone who struggled with same-sex attraction.

But Mike and Stephanie knew they needed to be part of a local church. When First Baptist Church of Midland planted a new church, they became part of the new church’s core group, known as Stonegate Fellowship. “We found a solid church that taught the truth,” he says. They also met other couples who shared their struggle through Exodus International, a large Christian organization that offers hope to those seeking freedom from homosexuality.

At Stonegate, God opened the door for Mike and Stephanie to start a ministry for people impacted by homosexuality and to share their story publicly. “My healing and change were exponential in the community of Stonegate, a place that was not only safe for us, but that walked with us, celebrated with us, believed in us and loved us unconditionally.” After a few years, Goeke left his law practice and joined the pastoral staff of Stonegate.

“My homosexual struggle has not been zapped away, but I know from God’s Word that He allows struggles in our lives so that His power might be displayed in us and so that He will receive glory,” Goeke notes.

“I thought it was all about me, but I have realized it is not about coming to grips with who I am,” he says. “It is about coming to grips with who HE is. That is a life worth living.”

The Goekes would not trade their struggles away. “Our ‘real’ marriage is so much better than the marriage we dreamt of for ourselves,” Goeke says. “God has blessed our family with three beautiful children and has grown in Stephanie and me a pure and beautiful love for each other and for the Lord. We know we have not arrived, but we also know that the end of the journey will be beyond our imaginations.”